The Four Horsemen: What They Are and How to Protect Your Relationship
Understanding the Gottman Method’s Warning Signs of Relationship Distress
Ever feel like you're stuck in the same arguments with your partner, going in circles that leave you both hurt and exhausted? According to the Gottman Method, a science-backed approach to relationships, this may be due to the presence of the Four Horsemen—four destructive communication patterns that often predict relationship breakdown if left unaddressed.
Let’s break them down, and more importantly, explore what you can do instead.
1. Criticism
What it looks like:
Criticism goes beyond a complaint. It attacks your partner’s character or personality.
“You never think about anyone but yourself.”
“Why are you always so lazy?”
Why it’s harmful:
Criticism puts your partner on the defensive and creates distance instead of solutions.
What to do instead:
✅ Use a gentle start-up. Focus on how you feel and what you need.
“I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up. Could we talk about a plan that works for both of us?”
2. Contempt
What it looks like:
Contempt is mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or any behavior that communicates superiority.
“Wow, nice of you to show up on time for once.”
“You’re pathetic.”
Why it’s harmful:
Contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce in Gottman’s research. It erodes respect and connection.
What to do instead:
✅ Build a culture of appreciation. Regularly notice and express gratitude for the good things your partner does.
“Thanks for picking up the groceries—I really appreciate it.”
3. Defensiveness
What it looks like:
Defensiveness is denying responsibility, making excuses, or turning the blame back on your partner.
“It’s not my fault! You didn’t remind me.”
“Why are you always blaming me?”
Why it’s harmful:
It shuts down productive conversation and escalates conflict.
What to do instead:
✅ Practice taking responsibility, even for a small piece.
“You're right—I forgot. I’ll work on setting a reminder next time.”
4. Stonewalling
What it looks like:
Stonewalling is when one partner shuts down, withdraws, or goes silent during conflict.
(Silent treatment, walking away, saying nothing)
Why it’s harmful:
It signals disconnection and leaves issues unresolved. It also often increases your partner’s anxiety or anger.
What to do instead:
✅ Take a break to self-soothe, then return to the conversation.
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take 20 minutes and come back to this?”
Final Thoughts: Conflict Isn’t the Problem—How You Handle It Is
Every couple argues. What sets healthy relationships apart is how they manage conflict. If you notice one or more of the Four Horsemen showing up in your communication, don’t panic—it’s not too late.
With awareness and practice, you can replace destructive patterns with ones that bring you closer instead of pulling you apart.
💬 Want support navigating relationship challenges? A therapist trained in the Gottman Method can help you develop healthier communication and deeper connection.
